Fashionable Nooses

Last time things got a little heavy, so I wanted to go lighter hearted this time. Too much real talk in your life is bad for the blood pressure.

I am no expert on fashion, as my wife who lays out my clothes in the morning can tell you. During the days I am forced to dress my daughter there is usually women looking in horror/sympathy at her when we go out. But, probably due to the similarities to military uniforms, I can put together a suit like no one's business. And there is little that makes a man feel better than being decked out in a nice suit.

But this brings me to the part of the suit I hate the most. The tie. The reason I hate it isn't merely because of the discomfort it causes. Or the safety risk it brings about. Or how it pretty much ensures if someone wants to hang me, they won't even have to bring their own rope. The entire idea of a tie I am against.

Ties were originally created to hold the top of your jacket closed back in the 17th century. They were quickly made obsolete as men decided maybe they can figure out a better way to accomplish that than tying a noose around their damn neck. That means ties have been obsolete for hundreds of years, and yet in 2014 you still can't go to a Macy's without seeing a couple dozen different designs on a rack.

What else does a man wear that has no function? Shirt, pants, jacket, all required parts of the suit. A leather belt to hold the pants in place. A watch to tell time. Shoes to protect the feet. Socks to make the shoes comfortable. Everything has a purpose. Sure, some of those items my have a whole lot more form than function. But even a diamond encrusted, gold plated watch still tells the damn time!

Women wear things that are non functional. I am not going to knock them, they are on a completely different thing than a man is. It drives me crazy when my wife has to give me all her stuff because her pockets are fake. If I pick up a suit jacket with fake pockets, I put it back on the rack and try and tuck it back where no other man can make the mistake of picking it up. We are men, we are built for functionality. Our dress should match it.

Beyond my disagreement with the idea of a tie, the implementation is terrible too. I am almost literally tying a noose around my neck. If I get in an altercation, I am at an immediate disadvantage as I just made it incredibly easy for my opponent to control my head and cut off my air supply. My tie is completely on their side against me. Plus, trying to do anything with a tie on is constantly having it in the way. Bend over to write something? You have a tie in the middle of your pad. Reach to grab your drink and you have $40 in silk soaking up your cocktail. There is no redeeming factors for this.

Please everyone. Lets team up and kill this thing once and for all. A couple hundred years with no purpose is too long. Ties are long needed to be put to rest, and that silk can be used for much more important things. Like making lingerie!